The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
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Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Smooooooth
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.