You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
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I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
⛄️
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.