If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me