[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
plums roundup
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
What if the weather talks about us?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.