The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking