My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.