BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”