My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
You Might Also Like
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
i installed a ceiling fan in my room