Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?