Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Need this in my life lol
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me trying to look natural in photos
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka