MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
You Might Also Like
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Sometimes I think I鈥檓 reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
i think we should see other cousins
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it鈥檚 maddening. He thinks they鈥檙e a frequency humans can鈥檛 hear (he鈥檚 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can鈥檛 tell they鈥檙e off. Am I going to hell for this?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it鈥檚 so great to sleep alone.
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren鈥檛 you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I鈥檓 sleepIng.
Me: you鈥檙e kind of creepy at night.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Please don鈥檛 leave me to my own devices. They鈥檙e all out of batteries
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I bet cats are pissed they can鈥檛 sit on televisions anymore.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise