The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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OKAY DAD
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”