debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Eve: I鈥檓 hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 馃槀
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Why isn鈥檛 everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don鈥檛 need to worry about that
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.