This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’