thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
You Might Also Like
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.