Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.