Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
You had me at “define legal”.