Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
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Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I bet birds love this building.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not