It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
🙋♀️
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle