Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…