the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’