People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO