“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
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What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
dutch so unserious
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m being attacked 😭
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes