Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Dear Lord..
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.