I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
They’re not wrong
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why