Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
cry laughing at this shit
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.