If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Schrödinger’s cookie
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
found this cool rock hiking today
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
SF is the wild wild west man
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.