Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
<- sleeps well with others
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.