ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
What the dentist sees
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
How about daylight saves us for once
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.