For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.