I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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Me: how are you
Friday: good
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Isn’t
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Customer is always right
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.