*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.