If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.