Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
#growingpains
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
🤣could you imagine
three things we don’t talk about
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.