Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
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One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle