Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
how long have you had this for?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him