Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
You Might Also Like
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Meow
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”