Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
A dad and his duck
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Rather alarming headline…
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod