The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
repaired
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.