“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
somebody come look at this
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting