“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
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[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.