*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Finally!
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
That’s what I call a flat tire
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?