Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man