What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Those are good neighbors.