But that’s none of my business
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Sell your car
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Dietest Coke
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time