Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Something Saturday.
even bears disappoint their mothers
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money