Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
You Might Also Like
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
.. do you even science?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground