[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My sex drive has a dui
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.