If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.