I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
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Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.